Walking on Eggshells

I am taking this out of one of my journals...

Wow, one of those days. School was really bad today. There is a boy, who goes to Jordan's school who I think has a primary mission in life to make Jordan explode. The kids know that Jordan is dealing with anger issues, and some of the kids are compassionate and kind. But middle school is not the easiest place to find compassion. In this school, I sure had misconceptions and thought it would be better. Smaller School, Christian School, smaller student to teacher ratio.

Jordan came out of the school seething. I knew when I saw him it was not gonna be a good afternoon. He had both fists clenched, his head was cocked off to the left side, and his jaw was clenched. If that isn't bad enough, his teacher was following him out. I took a very deep breath and said a prayer for calmness. I always try to start off the same;

Hi Jordan!
Hi Mom....(ooooh I can hear the frustration)

Then:

Teacher: Kim, Can I speak to you?
Me: Of course. (sigh)
Teacher: Jordan had quite a time of it today. We were in science and Jordan was giving a report. He did great until the question and answer time when **** asked him a question that was totally off topic.
Me: What was the question? (I dread the answer)
Teacher: He asked "Why do you wear that shirt almost everyday?"
Teacher: Jordan proceeded to answer about how it was his favorite color, he like the texture...and the kids all started laughing.
Me: And then...
Teacher: Well, Jordan through his report down and started to clench his fists, and jaw, sorta growl at the class, which caused some of them to laugh harder. That is when he started yelling at them to be quiet, and left the room, pushing chairs out of the way on the way out the door. I followed him, and he just couldn't calm down. Luckily it was the end of the day so he gets to go home.
Me: Thanks for letting me know.

Inside do you want to know what I was really thinking? I was dying. Why. Why does this happen? Why are kids cruel? Why can't the teachers control the kids? Why does my son wear that shirt all the time? Why can't we have a "normal" day? Why. Why are we gonna pay for the rest of the day?

I knew two things as my other two came toward the car. One, I had to tell them not to talk on the way home because Jordan was in a mood. Two, my two other kids hated that and didn't think it was fair. It isn't fair to them, but it is our life, our family and we have to work together. Problem is, we have no idea how really, we are winging it. Walking on eggshells. Waiting for the next eruption  and I don't mean Mount St. Helens. This is not fair to Mandi and Colton, and I have little to no idea how to give attention and energy to them after Jordan sucks it all out of me. We are one miserable family these days.

Okay, we are in the car. Odd day, so Jordan is in front. He slams his fist on my dashboard. Phew it didn't break. What to say? I try:

I'm sorry

Then it begins...

I hate that school!!! I hate those kids, I hate all of them!!! I am not going back, you cannot make me....

That rant goes on and on and on....remember the train. This one is a speeding bullet train, not slowing down and just gathering steam. I spend the rest of the day and evening listing to him rant, scream, kick dirt, yell at his siblings, rage, until finally he just breaks down and cries. He hates being different and knowing he is. I think that is part of it. Realizing he does not see things, talk about things, or have much in common with kids in his grade. We try to touch him, to rub his back like I used to, to get close. But, it takes literally hours to get him in a "sensible" state of mind. Then, he is exhausted. I feed him, and finally he asks if I can rub his back. It is now 8:30. School was out at 3.

I go to check on my other kids. Todd is still at work until 10:30. I hug them, tell them I am sorry. I thank Mandi for taking care of her brother, who, in 2nd grade does not understand what is going on with his big brother. I read with them, sometimes, Mandi reads and does her amazing voices. I smile, I needed them today to help me see "normal" at bedtime. After the kids are all in bed I go in my room and cry.  I am so alone. I am not prepared to handle this. To try and love all of these kids, to give them all of my energy when I don't have any left. I get on my knees and cry out to God. Why? More than that...Please help us. Help us not to have to live on eggshells. To be normal. To be happy. We need help. Where do we turn? I know I do not have any answers tonight. Todd comes home and I share with him. We are struggling to see the light.

Things have got to be better tomorrow....right?

This was hard to write, to go back to. I have great news.....It does get better...Jordan was speaking to a group and said it best;

My reformation did not happen in minutes, hours, or days, but in years.

He still has grumpy days, but we do not walk on eggshells anymore! We face life head on, with kindness, compassion, and grace. When you see a mom with a kid having a meltdown, remember, she is probably having an eggshell day! Let's love each other! Smile, give her a hug, and tell her you've been there and its gonna be okay. We need each other!!

Here's to more Sunny days!

Kim